Having just left the Ahliyyah School for Girls on the First Circle, beaming with pleasure at a lovely concert I had just attended (Thanks to the wonderful Dozan wa Awtar Singers), my friend Kariman and I embarked on what soon proved to be the most stressful drive in recent memory for the both of us. Apparently, we had not been warned that Rainbow street and all its side streets, were to be avoided at all costs on a Friday evening. To reach the Second Circle, which normally takes 3 minutes, took us exactly 1 hours and 30 minutes (from 9.20 pm until 10.50 pm. I can prove these numbers). Now having grown up in Beirut and still driving there quite often, I have to admit I've been through traffic like this, many many times, before. This was not the problem.
The problem started at the beginning of our journey, on Mango street, where Books@Cafe stands. Our windows were rolled down as three men approached the car from the driver's side, where Kariman was seated. One of the guys started blabbing silliness like "I really like you. What would you say if I asked you to marry me? Will you marry me?" His friends started laughing and encouraging him. It was really awkward because there was nothing we could do. We were stuck in non-moving traffic and ignoring him seemed stupid because he was just standing there, really really close. So Kariman turned to him and said, "What is your problem?", which in retrospect was not the best course of action. He just replied "Can I ride with you? Why won't you let me ride with you?", leaned over and opened her door. She immediately closed the door, yelled at him and rolled up the window. The guy and all his friends burst into laughter and walked away. Of course after that, we realized that the entire street was filled with people like this lovely gentleman, from other drivers who would stare at us and try to make conversation to kids prancing around and beating our car with their hands as they walk by.
Now to tell you that we felt threatened or frightened during this ordeal would be a lie. We weren't. There were lots of people around, and all we needed to do was scream once and many will surely jump to our aid. But the discussion I had with my friend was truly eye-opening. It started off with talk of how sexually frustrated men are in this country and how this problem needs to be solved, but then Kariman noted that it wasn't just that. She told me about a male friend of hers with blond wavy hair, who was walking past a construction site the other day and heard the following from one of the workers, "Shoo hal sha3rat el 7ilween? (What beautiful hair)". Soon after, many stories started coming back to us, of other females commenting on our wardrobe or hair or manner of walking. And it dawned on us: As long as you are in a public space, people here feel that they have the right to voice their opinion of you, even if they don't know you. Village style. And the easiest people to pick on are the more vulnerable: The woman, the foreigner, the homosexual, and of course, whoever seems "different". So last night, in the First Circle in Amman, Kariman and I were sitting ducks to whatever crossed anyone's mind when they looked at us, be it pent-up sexual frustration or just disgust at the way we were dressed or the fact that we were smoking. We were public property.
And this brings me to the social contract that I must have unwittingly signed by being part of this society. My parents always say that they prefer oriental societies to western ones because of the "human relations" that are non-existent in the latter. They believe that people in the Arab world take care of each other in a way that westerners don't. But I think that comes with a price, which is to allow them access to yourself and your behaviour. It gives them the right to interfere with every decision you make (that they are aware of). I did not sign this social contract. I opt for a different one. What I want from society is to protect me from any wrongdoing by establishing and enforcing laws aimed at my protection, and in return, I agree to abide by these laws. Is there anything more simple than that?
The problem started at the beginning of our journey, on Mango street, where Books@Cafe stands. Our windows were rolled down as three men approached the car from the driver's side, where Kariman was seated. One of the guys started blabbing silliness like "I really like you. What would you say if I asked you to marry me? Will you marry me?" His friends started laughing and encouraging him. It was really awkward because there was nothing we could do. We were stuck in non-moving traffic and ignoring him seemed stupid because he was just standing there, really really close. So Kariman turned to him and said, "What is your problem?", which in retrospect was not the best course of action. He just replied "Can I ride with you? Why won't you let me ride with you?", leaned over and opened her door. She immediately closed the door, yelled at him and rolled up the window. The guy and all his friends burst into laughter and walked away. Of course after that, we realized that the entire street was filled with people like this lovely gentleman, from other drivers who would stare at us and try to make conversation to kids prancing around and beating our car with their hands as they walk by.
Now to tell you that we felt threatened or frightened during this ordeal would be a lie. We weren't. There were lots of people around, and all we needed to do was scream once and many will surely jump to our aid. But the discussion I had with my friend was truly eye-opening. It started off with talk of how sexually frustrated men are in this country and how this problem needs to be solved, but then Kariman noted that it wasn't just that. She told me about a male friend of hers with blond wavy hair, who was walking past a construction site the other day and heard the following from one of the workers, "Shoo hal sha3rat el 7ilween? (What beautiful hair)". Soon after, many stories started coming back to us, of other females commenting on our wardrobe or hair or manner of walking. And it dawned on us: As long as you are in a public space, people here feel that they have the right to voice their opinion of you, even if they don't know you. Village style. And the easiest people to pick on are the more vulnerable: The woman, the foreigner, the homosexual, and of course, whoever seems "different". So last night, in the First Circle in Amman, Kariman and I were sitting ducks to whatever crossed anyone's mind when they looked at us, be it pent-up sexual frustration or just disgust at the way we were dressed or the fact that we were smoking. We were public property.
And this brings me to the social contract that I must have unwittingly signed by being part of this society. My parents always say that they prefer oriental societies to western ones because of the "human relations" that are non-existent in the latter. They believe that people in the Arab world take care of each other in a way that westerners don't. But I think that comes with a price, which is to allow them access to yourself and your behaviour. It gives them the right to interfere with every decision you make (that they are aware of). I did not sign this social contract. I opt for a different one. What I want from society is to protect me from any wrongdoing by establishing and enforcing laws aimed at my protection, and in return, I agree to abide by these laws. Is there anything more simple than that?
16 comments:
I think that this sexual frustration reflects a painful social reality. Let me speak about myself, I try not to associate myself to the 5% of the Jordanian society that is commonly considered unquestionably enlightened while it tends to consciously and unconsciously separate itself from the rest. I would rather stand with those that tend to fill the gap to lay in between the 5% and the 40%, that I like to define as emotionally intelligent but still finding it hard to live without the ghost of ignorance that comes with thoughtless obedience to social norms. This confusion leaves me socially disabled like many other individuals, that don't want to live in the 5% bubble neither the 40% bubble.. Ending up floating on the surface of our "diverse" society. Since it isn't healthy to limit these gentlemen on a certain side of the country if it was possible. You may want to think of ways to coexist and accept, I'm in still in the process and would love to reach it someday.
Lama - Good post. I just like to point out that Western societies (sometimes) tend to be as vociferous in its judgement of nonconformists, suburban America is a grand example.
Hala Des - What on earth are you on about?!
I don't think there's any society that has it all... Yes, the Arab world gets on my nerves with all the intrusion but people here in the West get on my nerves with all the excess formality. One of my coworkers claimed sexual harassment against another one because of a simple innocent hug from another female coworker. Another time, when I was in DC walking in the woods, I greeted another lady who was walking by herself and she gave me the meanest "backoff" look as if she thought I had ulterior motives.
Not sure what can be done about any of this. The Western societies need to rewind a little bit to lower the excessive barriers and the Arab societies just need to evolve a bit. I'm hopeful time coupled with economic factors and better laws would help. I'm watching Mad Men these days and the way the men/women/racial/disabled relationships are portrayed in that series makes my jaw drop. That was only 40 years ago. It makes me a little bit hopeful about the future of other societies.
A balanced society is always the best alternative. you can probably find that in continents were heaps of immigrants are currently living there and consider themselves natives of that nation.
OK I just want to clarify that I do not, in any way, insinuate that I prefer the western contract. I agree with Anonymous 1 and Loulia that they are not ideal. Maybe we can hope for something in between. And by the way, am loving the discussion. :)
First Anonymous,
The American society(es), in general, is/are not that progressive to begin with. So saying it's close to Arab societies is not really surprising.
I've been an individualist since I was a little kid. I only have small circle of friends, don't visit most relatives that often, but I'm happy.
Loulia,
I wish people stop refering to America as "the west". American values and mentality are their own, not really that similar to the generic European ones.
Although, as all societies, European societies are not perfect. But they are, along probably the Japanese society, much more superior than other societies.
I don't think it got to do mainly with the economy or politics; It's about Islam. Islam is far more conservative and anti-individualism than most other religions. But obviously, no body wants to admit that. So they blame it on the economy or politics.
All cultures are equally worthless! There is no ideal culture, unless you convince yourself and idealize one over the rest. Culture evolves far too slowly because people define it by yesterday not today. As for Jordan, our issue is one of common courtesy (you see it in driving, and queuing up too). But even in the UK, people who lived there in the 50's and 60's and return will tell you that common courtesy has been lost. Its a global phenomenon. The world is shot to shit.
Anonymous,
I'll assume you're talking to me. Same as species, some societies are more evolved than others. There's no point of saying all societies/cultures are equally worthless. People are not equal, neither are societies.
Actually GY i wasn't. But if a "lesser" culture as you deem them has adapted to their environment and are happy (lets take a "basic" culture like some loin cloth wearing amazonian tribe) and indeed sometimes happier and more intune with their environment, who are you to say they are not superior as you are using their (the superior cultures) value model to judge others. Those loin cloth wearing amazonian would regard taking a bank loan as a ridiculous and unnecessary "cultural" phenomena that reduces your freedom (freedom ironically also being a "cultural" mantra of your supposed superior cultures).
Anonymous,
Amazonian tribes? The Amazonian tribes has better society than Arabs. It's about freedom and tolerance; which ever society has more of those is better. I (obviously) wasn't talking about technology and business suits. So I'm not sure where the "Amazonian tribes" example came from. It was very obvious from the context of the comment (and the original blog post I was commenting on) that I was talking about ultra conservative societies who have little space for personal liberties, like the Islamic ones.
GY, the Amazonian tribes were an illustrative example of a relativistic view of things. As for Islam (which seems to be your issue) i think the semitic people can only function under this sort of system. They need to be told what to do and have something to worship beyond themselves. How about this then...ALL RELIGIONS are equally worthless!
GY and anonymous - Hug each other and play nice ;)
GY: I spent the largest chunk of my life in Europe and I do not think the society there is superior in any shape or form. I actually enjoy American society significantly more. Not sure what you base your comparison on. Pseudo-intellectualism doesn't make a society superior IMHO. Take a look at the recent DSK imf story. The French are analyzing it to death and criticizing the brutal and prudish American society, claiming a conspiracy but nobody even acknowledged a woman got violated.
I don't think you can tie it down to religion alone too. Anti-individualism exists in non-Islamic countries as well including Japan and several other places in Asia.
Dear all,
It's so sad to see Arab people arguing in English Language as if they were born English-speaking. Whether you don't know or don't want to speak your mother tongue, it is just pathetic!
OK, to get a better understanding of the situation at hand
here is a link from the gaagzonomics on the flow chart of the Global Male Sexual Thought Process >>> http://bit.ly/iRGpka
Take it easy & have a great day y'all :D
Dear Third Annonymous, انت احمار! Why don't you write in Arabic?? Besides, the irony of your comment is that you criticize people who prefer to express themselves in English in an English based blog about an articlle talking about the phenomenon of people judging others who are different. And actually yes, there are people in the Arab world where English IS their first language (people who have lived and worked abroad and have one foreign parent)...are they not a type of Arab that in their own right are different to muppets like you? Idiot.
Post a Comment